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When Titans Clash and Plotlines Crash: A Hilariously Disappointed Review of 'Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)

The new installment in the Monsterverse puts the mighty Kong and the fearsome Godzilla against a colossal deadly threat hidden within our world that threatens the existence of their species and our very own, as well as diving deep into the mysteries of Skull Island and beyond. Delving straight into the origins of Hollow Earth, this film will explore the ancient Titan battle that brought man and monster together forever.

Ah, there I was, popcorn in hand, a sparkling soda by my side, nestled into the deepest, squishiest seat the theater had to offer, my heart racing with anticipation. After months of eagerly awaiting the cinematic showdown of the century, "Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire," I was ready to be wowed beyond my wildest dreams. Instead, what I got was a wild ride into the absurd, a journey that left me both amused and bemused, but unfortunately, not for the reasons the filmmakers likely intended.

Starring: The ever-charming Rebecca Hall, the incredibly versatile Brian Tyree Henry, and Dan Stevens, who I'm pretty sure was just as confused by the script as we were but soldiered on like the trooper he is.

Plot: Picture this - our two favorite titans, Godzilla and Kong, unite to tackle a hidden colossal threat. Sounds epic, right? The film promised to dive into the mysteries of Skull Island, explore Hollow Earth, and recount the ancient titan battle that forever linked man and monster. I was on the edge of my seat, ready for a mind-blowing exploration of titan lore. What I got, however, felt more like a crash course in how not to tell a story.

What I Liked:

The special effects were, admittedly, spectacular. Buildings crumbled, and cities were destroyed with such beautiful destruction that it almost brought a tear to my eye.

Fans of wholesale destruction (you know who you are) will find plenty to love here. The CGI team undoubtedly earned their paycheck, delivering scene after scene of jaw-dropping chaos.

What I Disliked:

The storytelling felt like it was cobbled together during a particularly confusing dream. The narrative was everywhere, with plot holes large enough for Godzilla himself to comfortably stroll through.

The characters and plotlines would've been cheesy even by 90s Saturday morning cartoon standards. At one point, I half-expected someone to shout, "It's morphin' time," which, spoiler alert, is never a good sign unless you're actually watching Power Rangers.

Speaking of which, the whole prophecy child story and the mystical people with the power to save the day felt like a bizarre detour into a different, far less interesting movie. It was as if the writers threw darts at a board of fantasy tropes and just went with whatever hit.

And don't even get me started on the self-installing bionics. I mean, seriously, who thought that was a good idea? Whoever it was, I'd like to have a word.

Director Adam Wingard had some big ideas about giving Godzilla and Kong new looks, attempting to weave these changes into the storyline. Kong got a beard and some distinguished grey hair, while Godzilla received some fancy new spines and a splash of color. While the visual updates were interesting, they couldn't distract from the narrative chaos unfolding before our eyes. Wingard's vision of the Skar King as a reflection of humanity's worst aspects and Kong as representing our best was a compelling concept that deserved a better execution.

Ranking: 5.9/10. Yes, that specific. It's not the worst movie I've ever seen, but it's far from the best. It's like ordering a gourmet burger and getting a well-dressed, but ultimately underwhelming, veggie patty.

In conclusion, "Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire" was a rollercoaster of emotions, mostly confusion and disappointment, with a side of awe at the visual effects. It's the cinematic equivalent of expecting a Michelin-star meal and getting fast food instead - enjoyable in its own right but not what you were promised.

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