“The Old Guard 2 (2025): A Story So Slow It Might Actually Be Immortal”

Andy and her team of immortal warriors continue their mission to protect humanity. This time, they have to face off against a formidable new foe who threatens the very fabric of the Old Guard, while also dealing with the return of an immortal who was thought to be long lost.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyivgZ074PY

Alright folks, buckle up, because The Old Guard 2 is here—and by “here,” I mean “sitting in your Netflix queue like that gym membership you keep swearing you’ll use.” If you’ve been dreaming about a movie that combines ageless warriors, immortality-infused angst, and a plot that moves slower than molasses in a Canadian winter, then congrats—your oddly specific cinematic wish has been granted.

Let’s start with the good, because I’m not a total nihilist. The Old Guard 2 picks up exactly where the first one left off. No time jump. No reboot nonsense. Just Charlize Theron’s Andy waking up and choosing violence—again. And bless her for it. The woman throws a punch like she's trying to knock the concept of aging itself into submission. You feel every hit. You believe she’s been doing this since the Earth cooled. If Gen X had a spirit animal, it’d be Charlize in a trench coat with a battle axe.

The returning crew’s all here, including KiKi Layne’s Nile, who is still the “rookie” immortal, even though at this point she’s probably older than my entire family tree. Booker (Matthias Schoenaerts), still mopey. Joe and Nicky, still madly in love and possibly the only couple in cinema with the emotional maturity of two therapists and the knife skills of a sushi chef. Chiwetel Ejiofor’s Copley remains the guy who either betrays the team or gives them exposition—it’s honestly a coin flip at this point.

And then there’s the wild card: Quỳnh. She’s back. Remember her? Last seen in the first movie taking a saltwater spa retreat in an iron maiden at the bottom of the ocean? Yeah, she’s not happy. But neither is the audience when they realize Netflix spent the first hour laying bricks for a story that could’ve been told during the opening credits and still had time left over for a Beyoncé cameo.

Now let’s talk about the newbies. Enter Discord (played by Uma Thurman, who walks into this franchise like she’s about to sue everyone for emotional damages). She’s the “first immortal,” which, let’s be honest, is just a fancy way of saying “plot device with fabulous hair.” She’s mysterious, she’s dangerous, and she’s got the screen presence of someone who knows what movie she’s in but isn’t totally convinced she wants to be. Henry Golding also joins the immortal circus as Tuah, a record-keeper who I assume is immortal solely because he has the patience to explain the lore to every new cast member.

And oh, the lore. Director Victoria Mahoney clearly took a blood oath to flesh out the mythology. She leans hard into the idea of where these immortals came from, why they exist, and how the “gift” of eternal life might not be so gift-wrapped after all. We even dive into Nile’s origin, which is cool—but let’s not pretend this isn’t mostly setup for the next movie. I mean, at this point, The Old Guard franchise feels like the most expensive D&D campaign Netflix ever funded.

Which brings me to my core beef: this isn’t a movie—it’s a prologue. A $90 million, two-hour prologue that ends with more dangling threads than a pair of Walmart jeans. It’s the cinematic equivalent of someone starting a story at a party, getting to the good part, then going, “Anyway, I’ll finish next time.” Cue the end credits. I haven’t felt this teased since I thought Lost was actually going to explain something.

And sure, there are some decent action sequences. The fight choreography is crisp, and the moments when Charlize or KiKi are allowed to let loose remind you why you showed up. But they’re peppered throughout what feels like one long narrative throat-clear. It’s like ordering a steak and getting a plate of seasoning. Tasty, but where’s the meat?

Also, can we talk about Netflix’s addiction to open endings? This is starting to feel pathological. Every movie doesn’t need to set up the next trilogy. Sometimes I just want a beginning, a middle, and a resolution. You know—like we used to do before studios decided the only thing worth selling was the promise of more content. The Old Guard 2 ends with Discord and Quỳnh essentially capturing the team, which is less a cliffhanger and more a gentle nudge off a narrative ledge.

And don’t even try watching this without seeing the first one. You’ll be more confused than a vegan at a Texas BBQ. There’s zero hand-holding here. Which I appreciate in theory—but maybe include a quick recap? A little “Previously on Immortality & Friends”? Just something so we’re not spending 20 minutes trying to remember if Booker’s betrayal was last movie or just a bad dream from all the Netflix originals we’ve repressed.

In the end, The Old Guard 2 is a mixed bag. Great cast, interesting ideas, and flashes of brilliance buried under too much exposition and not enough payoff. It’s like immortality itself—cool in theory, but exhausting in practice.

Final Verdict: 6.6/10

This movie may live forever, but my patience sure didn’t.

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