Jurassic World: Rebirth – Finally, a Sequel That Doesn’t Mostly Suckasaurus

Five years post-Jurassic World: Dominion (2022), an expedition braves isolated equatorial regions to extract DNA from three massive prehistoric creatures for a groundbreaking medical breakthrough.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jan5CFWs9ic

You ever eat a microwaved Hot Pocket at 2 a.m. and, for a split second, convince yourself it’s gourmet because you're starving and it's technically food? That, dear reader, is Jurassic World: Rebirth - a sizzling, occasionally tasty throwback that somehow manages to be both a nostalgic love letter and a blunt-force trauma to logic. And yet…I kinda dug it.

Let’s get the fossilized facts straight: Rebirth takes place five years after Jurassic World: Dominion, which ended with dinosaurs loose in the wild, humans screaming into helicopters, and Jeff Goldblum whispering something vaguely poetic while chaos unfolded. Now, instead of going full “Planet of the Dinos,” we’re zooming in on a tiny tropical zone near the equator where most of these cold-blooded terrors have naturally migrated because apparently, climate change only affects Starbucks menus and Canada’s maple syrup yields.

Enter our intrepid DNA dino-snatchers: Zora Bennett (Scarlett Johansson), part Lara Croft, part biotech Baywatch; Duncan Kincaid (Mahershala Ali), the grizzled ex-military tracker who scowls like it’s an Olympic event; and Dr. Henry Loomis (Jonathan Bailey), a geneticist who looks like he’s two pipettes away from hosting his own BBC nature doc.

They’re on a mission to extract genetic samples from three titanic dinos - Titanosaurus, Mosasaurus, and the ever-flashy Quetzalcoatlus - to potentially develop a cure for heart disease. Because of course, if you want to tackle cardiovascular issues, you start with a sea monster the size of the Empire State Building. That’s just good science, people.

Now, here’s where it gets spicy. Naturally, the island is home to not just regular ol' dinosaurs but mutants, because apparently BioSyn’s ghost still lingers in someone’s abandoned hard drive. The showstopper? The Distortus rex - a six-limbed, rage-filled science experiment that looks like the T. rex mated with a Rancor from Star Wars and got rejected by evolution. And let’s not forget the Mutadons, raptor-pterosaur hybrids that fly like fighter jets and bite like your ex’s lawyer.

Look, I give them credit - Rebirth does something few sequels dare: it dials things back. We’re not globe-hopping or watching senators debate dino rights. It’s survival horror, it’s jungle sweat, it’s “don’t step on that fern, it might eat you.” In other words, it feels like a sequel to the original, not the bloated spectacle that Fallen Kingdom or Dominion mutated into. It’s tighter, meaner, and more fun.

And honestly? The special effects hit more than they miss. The CGI on the Mosasaurus breaching the ocean like some sort of prehistoric Shamu on steroids? Chef’s kiss. Quetzalcoatlus soaring across volcanic skies? Pure dino porn. The action and pacing actually flow - like someone in editing didn’t sleep through the rough cut for once.

But. Oh, there’s always a "but," and not the kind Chris Pratt rides into battle.

For a movie with a reported $230 million budget, there are moments that look like they were shot in someone’s backyard with a fog machine from Spirit Halloween. Some scenes scream “We blew the budget on one wide shot of the mutant dino, so now it’s 20 minutes of talking in a cave.” I mean, come on, if you’re gonna give me a six-limbed apex predator, don’t hide it like a cursed Pokémon reveal. Show me the monster, Gareth. When people need to go behind an obstacle before being hauled off by the Dino, you know they are clutching their purses to save a few coins in CGI expenses.

And the storyline? Let’s just say it's flimsier than a velociraptor enclosure built by IKEA. There’s a moment - and I swear I’m not making this up - where a discarded candy wrapper brings down the last security barrier between the heroes and the Distortus rex. That’s not a spoiler. That’s a cry for better screenwriting. I’ve seen more robust logic in Sharknado 3.

And yet… I'd be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy myself. Rebirth leans into the nostalgia with just enough teeth and sweat to keep you engaged, while also teasing something almost deeper - what if dinosaurs aren’t just echoes of the past, but tools for our future? (Spoiler: the movie doesn’t really answer this, but hey, at least it asked.)

Final Thoughts:

Scarlett’s solid, Mahershala does brooding like it’s his birthright, and Jonathan Bailey brings some much-needed British snark to an otherwise testosterone-fueled jungle trek. There’s heart. There’s humor. There’s a raptor with wings. What more do you want - tax reform?

Ranking: 7.1/10

Not dino DNA perfection, but it’s alive... it’s ALIVE! And not just because Ian Malcolm said so.

#JurassicRebirth #DistortusRex #DinoDNA #ScarlettJohansson #MahershalaAli #JonathanBailey #JurassicParkNostalgia #MutantDinos #RebirthReview #BackToTheIsland