Hellboy and a rookie B.P.R.D. agent in the 1950s are sent to the Appalachians, where they discover a remote community dominated by witches and led by the sinister local demon, the Crooked Man.
Ladies and gentlemen, grab your trench coats, holster your sarcastic quips, and prepare for a spelunking expedition into the grimy depths of demon-infested Appalachia with Hellboy: The Crooked Man. And let me tell you, this one’s a doozy—not a big, flashy, comic-book doozy, but more like finding out your neighbor’s garden gnome collection is cursed. Intriguing? Sure. Delightful? Eh, let’s unpack that.
Let’s Talk Stars
First up, our main Hellboy, Jack Kesy. I’ll say this: the guy’s got the chops. His performance straddles the fine line between brooding anti-hero and sarcastic demon-basher like a Cirque du Soleil tightrope walker who’s had one too many Red Bulls. He’s no Ron Perlman, but then again, who is? Jefferson White, as the rookie B.P.R.D. agent, delivers a solid performance—kind of like a nervous intern sent to retrieve coffee and instead stumbling into an occult apocalypse. Adeline Rudolph is there too, though her screen time and impact feel like someone decided halfway through that she was more decorative than functional. Spoiler: she deserved better.
The Plot Thickens… Slowly
The story kicks off in the 1950s, setting a vintage, eerie tone that’s all about witchcraft and demons. Hellboy and his rookie sidekick are dispatched to the Appalachians, where they find a remote community that looks like it fell out of a rejected Stephen King novel. The town is lorded over by the Crooked Man, a demon whose hobbies include speaking in cryptic riddles and looking like he escaped from Tim Burton’s sketchbook.
The vibe? Think Evil Dead—all misty woods, ramshackle houses, and enough ominous chanting to make your local coven’s Spotify playlist jealous. What it lacks in superhero pizzazz, it makes up for in atmospheric dread. The downside? It’s more horror than heroics, and not in a good Blade kind of way. The pacing is slower than molasses on a January morning, and the constant focus on witchcraft and evilness is enough to make even the most devoted occult enthusiast want to pack it in.
What’s to Love
Here’s the good news: this isn’t your typical Hellboy movie. It’s got a fresh, distinctly creepy vibe that stands out from the usual “punch-punch, quip-quip” superhero fare. For fans of Evil Dead and old-school horror, the aesthetic might hit the right notes. The setting is deliciously unsettling, and Jack Kesy brings a gruff charm to Hellboy that’s worth the price of admission.
What’s to Loathe
Now for the bad news: the script feels like it was cobbled together by someone who had just finished binging The Twilight Zone and thought, “Hey, let’s make everything a riddle!” The dialogue is so cryptic it makes Dumbledore’s ramblings seem straightforward. The supporting cast—bless their hearts—does their best, but they’re saddled with roles as thin as rice paper. Every character outside of Hellboy feels like they wandered in from a low-budget haunted house attraction.
And let’s not even get started on the horror tropes. Oh wait, we have to, because the movie doesn’t let you forget them. Zombies, ominous chanting, witches doing witchy things… it’s all here, strung together with about as much coherence as a fever dream. If you’re looking for originality, you might want to take a left at the next fork in the road.
The Verdict
In the end, Hellboy: The Crooked Man is like ordering a gourmet meal and getting served a TV dinner. It’s not outright bad, but it’s not the feast you were hoping for. The film’s commitment to a horror aesthetic is commendable, but it sacrifices too much of what makes Hellboy fun in the process. The plot is a poorly strung-together sequence of clichés, and the slow pacing makes it feel more like a chore than an adventure.
So, where does this leave us? If you’re a die-hard Hellboy fan or someone who gets a kick out of witches and riddles, you might find something to enjoy. For everyone else, this might be one to skip or wait for the streaming release.
Rating: 5.5/10
And there you have it, folks. If you’re still curious, grab some popcorn, but don’t expect to be on the edge of your seat. Or, you know, just rewatch Evil Dead and call it a night.
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