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Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023): An Underwater Misadventure of Titanic Proportions

Black Manta seeks revenge on Aquaman for his father's death. Wielding the Black Trident's power, he becomes a formidable foe. To defend Atlantis, Aquaman forges an alliance with his imprisoned brother. They must protect the kingdom.

Greetings, film fanatics! Buckle up and don your life vests, because today we're diving into the abyss that is "Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom." Spoiler alert: it's less of a dive and more of a belly flop.

Star Power: Less Sparkle, More Fizzle

Let's chat about our stars. Jason Momoa returns, flexing his biceps and his ability to withstand a script that feels like it's been written by a sea monkey. Patrick Wilson and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II also join the underwater escapade, bravely attempting to swim against the current of this cinematic shipwreck.

Trailer: The Siren's Deceitful Call

Did you see the trailer? Oh, it's a must-watch, like witnessing a car crash in slow motion. Here’s the link for those of you who enjoy a bit of schadenfreude: Aquaman Trailer. Be warned: it's the cinematic equivalent of clickbait.

Plot: Recycled Ocean Trash

The plot is as innovative as a hamster wheel. Black Manta is out for revenge (yawn), using his Black Trident like it's a Black Friday sale item. The story is a Frankenstein’s monster of other movies, stitched together with the precision of a preschooler's arts and crafts project.

What I Liked: Finding a Needle in a Haystack

In the spirit of fairness, I scoured the depths for positives. I found a couple of fight scenes that were as creatively satisfying as finding a half-eaten sandwich in your fridge – not great, but you'll take it when starving for entertainment.

What I Disliked: The Ocean of Despair

1. Dialogue Disaster

I've heard more natural dialogue in a 1980s robot movie. Every line felt like it was being read off a teleprompter by someone who'd just learned English. I mean, I laughed, but it was in the same way you laugh when you see someone walk into a glass door – it's funny but also, oh so painful.

2. Special Effects: A CGI Calamity

The special effects in "Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom" were like a bad magic show: you can see exactly how the trick is done, and it's not even a good trick. The CGI was so glaringly obvious, I half-expected to see a Windows XP taskbar pop up. It was like watching a high-budget school play – sure, the effort was there, but you just can't take it seriously.

3. Amber Heard: The Unseen Anchor

How Amber Heard remains afloat in this franchise is beyond me. She delivered her lines with the enthusiasm of someone reading a microwave manual. It's like she's there to remind us that, yes, acting is indeed a job, and sometimes people just phone it in.

4. Boring Plotlines: A Sea of Sameness

This plot borrowed so heavily from other movies, I expected to see a bibliography at the end. It's like they put "Lord of the Rings," "Star Wars," and "Iron Man" in a blender, but forgot to put the lid on – it's messy, and nobody's happy with the result. Originality seemed to be the lost kingdom here, not Atlantis.

5. Forced Humor: The Desperation Echo

The humor in this movie was as forced as a laugh at a dentist's joke while you're still numb. It's like they were trying to tickle us with a feather, but instead, they just kept poking us in the eye. I cringed so hard I think I pulled a muscle.

6. Emotional Scenes: The Laughter of Despair

Finally, those 'emotional' scenes. They were supposed to tug at my heartstrings but ended up just confusing my facial muscles. I wasn't sure whether to laugh, cry, or write a strongly worded letter to the director. It was like watching someone try to squeeze tears out of a turnip – awkward and ultimately fruitless.

Ranking: The Sunken Treasure That Wasn't

On a scale of 1 to 10, "Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom" is floating at a dismal 4.9. It’s like expecting a treasure chest and finding it filled with Monopoly money.

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